Indiana Joan

Indiana Joan

In what can only be considered an advance warning to nerd culture paypigs, former A+ list director turned shady uncle Steven Spielberg has a special announcement for fans of the last Lucasfilm franchise Disney hasn’t destroyed yet.

Steven Spielberg is behind the idea that when Harrison Ford hangs up his whip, Indiana Jones should be played by a woman.

Speaking to The Sun, the legendary director revealed that he is “pretty sure” Indiana Jones 5 will be Ford’s last adventure as Indy, adding that the franchise “will certainly continue after that” as talk turned to if the character could be played by a woman.

“We’d have to change the name from Jones to Joan. And there would be nothing wrong with that,” he outlined.

He should have stopped one sentence early. Everyone who’s been paying attention knows by now that “There would be nothing wrong with that” means “There’s something deeply wrong with that.”

Last month, Spielberg confirmed that Indiana Jones 5 would start shooting in April 2019 and that it will shoot in the UK, like his current movie Ready Player One which was filmed in Birmingham.

Not mentioned in the article is the significant tidbit that Last Jedi producer Kathleen Kennedy will be co-producing Indy 5. For those of you not in the know, TLJ’s circus full of fish-lipped, fat, and rainbow-haired ostensibly female characters rolled into town at Kennedy’s insistence.

Forget Lara Croft. If Kennedy’s brand of beauty-hating misandry prevails, we’re much more likely to get this:

G.I. Joe comic

Which would be more merciful than if the call is left to Spielberg, whose casting preferences might skew a bit younger.

Lucas: He’s thirty-five, and he knew her ten years ago when he was twenty-five and she was only twelve.

Lucas: It would be amusing to make her slightly young at the time. 

Spielberg: And promiscuous. She came onto him.

Spielberg’s “And there would be nothing wrong with that” qualification lends itself to new interpretations now, doesn’t it?

In all likelihood, though, Kennedy will get her way. After all, Indy’s formerly anointed successor responded to Trump’s election by going crazy and going far away.


The obese, Pakistani, wheelchair-bound lesbian who will eventually be cast as Indiana Joan will be good news for the movie-going public. Another 80s franchise will die the death of Mouse Wars and clear the way for creators to replace the rampant nerd culture that’s busily eating itself. All we need now is a Back to the Future prequel in which Doc Brown’s grandfather is a villain making V2 rockets for the Third Reich opposed by a multicultural band of Resistance fighters.

If you’re looking for startlingly original, exciting entertainment, check out my award-winning Soul Cycle.

The Ophian Rising - Brian Niemeier

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