A Day Long Remembered

L337

The opening weekend figures for Soylo are in.

Before we get started, let’s take a quick trip down memory lane.

“I’ve been predicting that the upcoming Han Solo debacle movie will begin the Star Wars franchise’s collapse.”
-Brian Niemeier, 11/7/17

“First, Star Wars fans are not perfectly content. In fact, there’s a major revolt brewing in reaction to TFA, Rogue One, TLJ, and the upcoming Han Solo movie.”
-Brian Niemeier, 10/19/17

“At the store yesterday, a buddy and I were indulging in lavish speculation about how Disney will screw up the Han Solo movie.”
-Brian Niemeier 7/21/17

With the preliminaries out of the way:

Solo Sputters

In the largest disturbance yet in Disney’s otherwise lucrative reign over “Star Wars,” the Han Solo spinoff “Solo: A Star Wars Story” opened well below expectations with a franchise-low $83.3 million in ticket sales over the three-day weekend in North American theaters.

Disney estimated Sunday that “Solo” will gross $101 million over the four-day Memorial Day weekend, a figure below even the opening weekends of the much-derided “Star Wars” prequels. Last week, forecasts ran as high as $150 million for the four-day haul of “Solo.”

Overseas ticket sales were even worse. “Solo,” starring Alden Ehrenreich in the role made iconic by Harrison Ford, grossed $65 million internationally in its opening weekend, including a paltry $10.1 million in China.

The Disney shills in the media are blaming Solo’s failure on “Star Wars fatigue” caused by releasing Solo jut five months after The Last Jedi. Others have pointed out that audience fatigue is just a cynical dodge. Infinity War, the new box office king, was released only five weeks after Black Panther.

No, my friends. You made Soylo a spectacular flop because you remembered insults like this:

Whitest Room

And this:

Rogue One Safety Pin

And this:

You did not give money to people who hate you. The victory and the glory are yours. You have shown Disney that even a Star Wars movie can bomb if they fail to please their core audience. This will be a day long remembered. It has seen the end of Kathleen Kennedy’s career. Soon we will see the end of Mouse Wars.

Behold the completeness of your triumph. Our enemies are reduced to this:

Leia: A Star Wars Story

I hope that:

  1. Disney takes Scalzi up on his idea.
  2. They hire him to write the screenplay.
  3. Instead of hiring an expensive new actress, Disney casts their Carrie Fisher CGI cyborg in the title role.

Reminder: Since you won’t be seeing Soylo today, I recommend my captivating Soul Cycle series of space opera novels for your holiday entertainment needs. All four mind-bending eBooks are now on sale for under 6 bucks!

The Soul Cycle - Brian Niemeier

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