It seems that the lovely Sarah A. Hoyt is more than just a great writer, she seems to also be skilled at cryptanalysis and has brought us an intercepted transmission from the strange aliens that walk among us. It always seemed that the Pink Shirts and the SJW’s were from another planet and Sarah had found proof! Check out this decrypt from the Glitter Wave.
Dear Masters of the Glitter Universe, from your servant Glitterbot, on the third planet from Sol, spiral arm of the Milkyway [they appear to call it something that might be fish-semen, but we’ll use our familiar name] Nebula in the farthest regions [lit. where the nether pointing tentacle cannot reach.]
I must trust this report to the star-waves, in hopes it will explain to you the difficulties I’ve run into in this the fourth 1×100 revolution of this miserable rock around its star that I’ve witnessed from this planet’s forsaken surface.
As was planned, after I landed, I set about examining the dominant species. One would hesitate to call them sentients, or at least I’ve had plenty of reason to suspect they’d been easily led. Until this– But more on that later.
As per your shining instructions, when I landed, I discovered this species – which calls itself hooman – had one great weakness in that it developed in a saltational manner. By this I mean that one part of it would advance towards a culture that would make it capable of granting greater comfort and stability to its members and then, by invading other cultures, or simply by the other cultures imitating them, the whole world would be pulled up to that level, before the next leap. It had happened several times.
It was obvious that like the Glitter Race and others that we managed to stop just in time, this process would, according to some natural progression of intelligence lead this species to starfaring and, eventually to challenge your magnificence, oh, lords of the shining universe.
I set about exploring its differential development to our purposes, and here I must ask you to admire me, because their flaw was much smaller than the cannibalistic species in Alpha Centauri, or the slaver races of Arcturus. And yet would be enough and serve.
I set about convincing the civilization at the time spearheading the push towards better living and more knowledge that they were evil and that the savage forms of its own species were the best and most noble of them all.
It was not easy since this civilization, then in the process of spreading across the globe, was aggressive and self-assured.
It necessitated the spawning of several copies of myself, designed to look like the local race, and prepared to spread this message to the natives.
Among those humble replicas of myself, I want to recommend, for our holograms of eternal remembrance, the one called Jean Jacques Rosseau, the first one to write movingly on how savages were the most advanced of their race and how every attempt to civilize them was a crime. This idea, propagating itself like poison through their culture has led to every other civilization-weakening misery-increasing belief.
It took a while, of course, but for almost a century now, the technological and innovating arm of their civilization has felt guilty over its advances and spent much time writing novels and scholarly treatises**** and making movies about how much better the most barbarous and cruel of their kind, living in civilizations that had exterminated all large, edible land dwelling animals, instead of domesticating them, were “the best” and “lived in harmony with nature.”
The guilt of those more comfortable ones over living better than their brethren did the rest. I had to extrude another few replicas of myself, going by the names of Marx and Engels, Lenin, Stalin and Mao, creating a theory of civilization and governance that extolled brutal oppression which by itself greatly reduced these creatures’ population, as well as creating a philosophy which if applied by definition makes the worst rise to the top, stops all technological development, and reinforces the idea that there is something magical in the primitive.
They are a learning species and they did the rest. A replicant here and there was enough. Provided the position, no matter how non-sensical is imbued with “class prestige” the rest of these apes will try to imitate it. Thus the same mechanism that led to their rise from flint-chipping apes to makers of synthetic materials can be used against them.
Fifty years ago, I thought that by now I would be reporting to you that I’d so far convinced them they were despicable and to be detested that they would line up and thank the glittery master race as they mowed the planet with their death-dealing rays.
I’m not quite sure what happened.